||read the god damn entry.
I'm exhausted. & yet I can't sleep. I feel so neutrotic and all I can think about is plans for the summer. I want to re-do my room so bad. I know exactly what I want to do and everything and yet I know I'm not going to be allowed to. Which is fucking stupid because it's my room. But I can't afford it because it's not fucking legal for me to have a job. All I can think about is doing something, getting off my ass and moving and I can't bring myself to do it. I need a job and I know I can handle it and do it and yet I'm not allowed to. What the fuck is that, honestly. I want my long hair back and I want something to fucking do. I don't wanna do Les Miserbalerj or whatever the hell it's called. I just don't feel like it. But I feel like doing something. Just not that. I'm not in an acting/singing/dancing mood. I'm in a creative/re-decorating/shopping/working/goingsomewhere/french/fuckkkkkkkkkk mood. Oh, right. That too. I wanna go to France. I have to stop being such a fuck-up. I think I fucked up my end of the year grades. I don't even wanna know what my classes are for next year. I think I might go nuts next year. I don't want to go back to school. Ever again. Neutrotic. Welcome to the fucking club. ltz fck. I want a good book to read too. Things I need: boxes, paint, deconstruction tools, paint brushes, shelves for my closet. I miss my friends already. I have to do a recital this fucking weekend & I do not want to. I hate my costumes, they're fucking horrible. Woahrouirg so fucked up, angsty, happy, tired, sad, lonely, upset, estatic, bored. Can't even describe how I feel.
edit: I hate not being good enough for my friends. How come I never get invited to hang out. Don't even tell me to ask, because I know everyone else didn't ask. I hate the feeling of seeing everyone's journals, so damn happy and together, and I sit here at 2:11 in the morning wondering what happened to make me not good enough anymore. Am I too mature for everyone, too much of a five year old, too fat, or ugly or dumb or smart. What is it about me that makes me not good enough to hang out with my own friends? Are you guys not even my friends? Do you just tell me that to get me to shut up only to have me wonder why we're friends and we never hang out? Do you all assume I'm busy with my older friends and therefore I'm not available to hang out? Let me tell you guys something. I'm not! I'm never fucking busy. At least, hardly ever. I've had like five people tell me before that they just assume I'm not gonna be able to hang out because I'm gonna be out with my upperclassman friends. I'M NOT! Fuck. What did I do wrong? Is it so wrong to want to be included?! Call me sometime you guys. Ask me how I'm doing. Ask me over, or out to dinner. I'll go shopping with you. I'll listen to you complain, as long as that's not the only thing you want me to do. I'll give you an honest opinion. Whatever you want. Just call. Call and just talk to me. I love to talk to people, I love hanging out. And yet, it never seems to happen. I don't understand and I never really have. Am I just complain buddy? The girl you all go to when you need help but you don't really actually like since you never hang out with her or talk to her? I'm being neurotic, as usual, but seriously, I don't get it.
I don't give a fuck if you read this or not. If you did, comment, tell me what the hell is up with me.